3.24.2010

IV. Lacking Metaphors, but Surrounded by Irony.

I moved to downtown Richmond this past September. The last time I lived in the city it was as a naive college freshman. There I was, newly 25, working two jobs to live in the city and feeling more at home than I ever had before. For the first time in my life, weight fell off me without dieting. I thought it was a damn miracle! Perhaps it could have just been the two jobs. Perhaps.

I spent my autumn and winter planning for spring. I couldn't wait to spend spring in the city. My best friend and I listed off places to go, things to do.
  • Bike the entire Fan.
  • First Friday every month.
  • Massive photography shoot at Hollywood Cemetery.
  • Stop motion video on Belle Isle.
  • Garden parties in my back yard.
  • Picnics at Maymont.

Then in the dead of winter the car crash happened. With that crash, all my plans for spring died. My life was ruined in an instant. The financial devastation brought my spirit down. My world was absolute chaos. Yet despite all the negativity in my life, I developed an attachment to a coworker of mine. Never dip your nib in the office ink. Wise OMQ I should have remembered. But with that budding love, some of my hope from spring crept out of the grave. I remained positive. I wanted to make plans with her.

When everything around you is broken, you cling to what brings you any kind of happiness. I emotionally invested in someone I knew I shouldn't have. I gave her unconditional support and helped her see how she could change situations in her life. All the while, my situation grew worse by the day. I felt so thankful to have her in my life. I felt as if we were sent to one another in some cosmic way to help overcome our circumstances. Haha, apparently not.
The Girl hurt me repeatedly. I wasted so much time fighting for someone who turned out not to be worth it. Where is the irony in this whole situation? Well, here's one example......
When She had lost her Boy and her heart was broken, I was on cloud nine because I was falling in love. I was incapable of providing any sort of empathy. I either sounded harsh or I was spewing the,"Seize the day; your entire life is ahead of you! Think positive!" type bullshit. My mood depended on whether The Girl was on a high or low. I couldn't provide any support to my own Mother yet I could provide an immense amount to my romantic interest.

When that romantic interest betrayed, abandoned, and hurt me like she promised she would- I couldn't deal with it. So there I was, left broken and alone. A few days after The Girl disappeared; My Mother hit her worst low point. I felt powerless. I couldn't even pretend to be optimistic in the least. All I could really say was, "I know.", because I did.

A week later, I knew my romantic situation was over despite The Girl feeding me lines of hope and claiming she just needed "space". I can barely recall getting home. A few blocks from her house I pulled over in a vacant parking lot and sobbed. I tried to pull myself together enough to make it home. I drove very slowly, my vision blurred by tears. I knew that the kiss goodbye she gave me was indeed the last. As soon as I stepped foot in the house I fell to pieces and into Her arms. All she could say was "I know.", and she did.

I am not ending this with pure doom and gloom. I finally severed ties with The Girl, and have rebuilt myself. My luck has changed. I feel spring coming again. I've spent time with old friends and I'm making plans with new ones. I see now that as important as I thought that girl was, she was just a speed bump in my life, warning me of how dangerous falling in love can be. ~Braticas

1 comment:

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